I found out this evening that my great uncle (as in my grandfather's brother) died last night. I'll miss him dearly, as will the rest of my family, but I honestly feel like my world is slowly eroding from around me. My father died two days after his 75th birthday. A close family friend of ours, Darnell, died a week or so after my 32nd birthday. Hell, even my sisters beloved cat died after nearly twenty years early in 2004. And now my Uncle Knob.
I know that dying is as much a part of living, but I feel like someone's deliberately taking my life apart. I won't go into any details but a lot of people that were extremely close to me in recent years have been drifting away, leaving me behind, and/or dying and I don't understand why any of it is happening. All I can do is send them my love and best wishes, and hope they're not leaving forever. And pray for those that are.
I suppose it's all according to God's plan, and I'm fine with that. But I wish He'd show me his plan for me, because I'm fucking lost right now, and I don't know where I'm going or where to find out. I've tried to listen to where He wants me to go, and I've tried to be there when He's wanted me to be, but I can't see how my presence is making any difference for me or anyone else.
God, give me your guidance, and your strength, and your wisdom, and put me where you want and need me to be. Help me carry on.